Detachment:
Some wise head has said, “To be detached is wisdom. To be attached is folly.” Detachment is actually independence from the need to hold on to possessions, family, people. This is a very subtle but important concept.
We want to be right and always have strong opinions and beliefs about what’s fair in various situations and feel the need to correct people not realizing that perceptions differ and people feel differently about the same thing. At any given point of time, we can have opinions; but we should be independent of need for their acceptance by others. You can continue to be Mr. Right who can’t be understood by anyone. Or, by developing a little empathy, you can convey your understanding and appreciation of someone’s point of view. There is a better chance that he may listen to your point and you can progress to a consensus by finding some common ground. Else, you can always disagree in peace and still enjoy his uniqueness.
Of course there are more dimensions to a firm position one takes in an argument. I’ve had an experience of being pulled down and ridiculed many times by influential people who didn’t budge from their opinions. But on retrospection, I realized that those were the efforts to see that when I’m pushed to the edge, whether I get immediately give in or stay firm on my point. Whether I provide more data or repeat the same things in loud voice. When it comes to bigheads, while it’s important not to get overawed by their position; with open mind we can always listen to their viewpoints, analyze new data, consider their experience and then stay firm or modify our opinions. After all, change is fundamental to growth and without growth we are dead in terms of generation of ideas and fair judgment.
The attachment with family is very delicate subject and it arises from the need to own people we care for. Kahlil Gibran guides us on this in The Prophet:
Your children are not your children…
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you…
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
Metaphorically, children here refers to all the people we care for... parents, friends, relatives, colleagues etc. The last line of poem is intuitive and suggests that you can always enjoy bonding in your relationships with people but you should be independent of need of others reciprocating it. I’m from a typical Marathi middle class family where people are conditioned to “keep investing” in relationships. That was right yesterday. Not today. At times my mom finds it difficult to accept the fact that modern souls are overloaded and she may not see the same concern from nephews and nieces she has seen growing since they were babies. Then I try to counsel her to invest in relationships unconditionally and smartly, until she points out that I’m full of emotional emptiness(!).
You also can’t expect same degree of maturity and understanding from people. It happened with me. I thought I had a good rapport with someone I knew since we used to get along well. But few tough talks didn’t go down well with that person and I received the feedback from somewhere else. Gosh! Being an engineer, I can say that equations are easier to manage than people. They are predictable and have solution!
We all have our own views of achievement. And when our loved ones have to make important decisions, we can always help them by sharing our thoughts and making the facts more visible. But it’s wise to let them choose. This way, not only will they welcome your involvement again but also will feel content and more responsible for their choices. By putting a certain degree of autonomy on them, we not only are detached from need of love and affection from our loved ones but also give them room to grow as individuals and not the copies of us. Love and affection then thrives on mutual respect thus generated.
In the rat race of modern world, most of us want to be perfect to get approval from others. Very few want to be perfect because of the high standards they set for themselves. Either way, people thrive to improve their self image. Few are so desperate with their ambitious careers that they compromise with their family time or even on having kids. They are in fact conditioned to win over themselves! Here, we should appreciate that winning and losing are merely life experiences to learn from. You blow your horns on your victories or sulk in failures, either way you isolate yourself. It’s the need to be perfect that makes you put a lot at stake on winning. After toiling hard, if you can’t relax and feel content, then the battle is really not worth it.
I always idolize Roger Federer for the way he carries himself on the court. Nothing ever bugs this guy’s smile. A true performer is not unconcerned with results but is detached from them. He sets high standards which are way beyond anyone’s expectations; but he is flexible, relaxed, thinks on his feet and concentrates on the current moment to give his best. His natural charm and candor finds an expression in his performance. He learns from his mistakes but always is at peace with himself. Useless emotions are thus replaced by constructive thoughts and actions. Only detachment gives this power!
Power of Knowledge:
Pursuit of power had long since seen the battles fought at the cost of countless lives. Today, knowledge is at par with power in deciding one’s position. For relatively young people like me, pursuit for knowledge is driven by sheer joy of discovery and unalloyed pleasure I find in making contribution to the organization. But you shouldn’t be plagued by Analysis Paralysis where you are driven by the need to feed the intellect continuously with data and analysis. Actions and thoughts should go in parallel. Finally, knowledge has to transform into a saleable technology so that not only people grow but organization also generates revenue.
It’s a pity if a sole purpose of acquisition of knowledge is to gain power over others and to feed one’s vanity. I happened to ask a very senior person once why we have lot of documents on “know-how” but not on “know-why.” He said though there are many organizations that ensure that knowledge gets documented, people are insecure in sharing it for the fear of losing an edge over others. Of course, I’m not pointing at professional consultants and intellectual property cells of organizations. There, knowledge itself is revenue than a means to generate revenue. Point is, position and prestige will naturally come to you as people realize your worth and ability. But if you are always driven by the need of position and prestige that comes with knowledge and not help others with it, you soon loose people. At the end, position is ephemeral and doesn’t remain always. What remains is a bunch of people who grew with you and the contribution they have made because of you!
Emotions and feelings:
In the modern world, as we are progressing, our actions are governed by intellect and not by emotions and instincts as they were earlier. In fact today, people who are driven by emotions are rather considered weak. Warren Bennis sums it up in On becoming a leader very nicely: “Nothing is truly yours until you understand it. Not even yourself. Emotions are raw, unadulterated truth. But if you don’t know why you are happy or anxious, the truth is useless.” Technically, mind generates emotions and feelings as a collective response based on past memories and fulfillment of desires. It’ll be interesting to note that all your negative responses like anger, happiness, and pain actually stem from immature qualities like greed, envy, ego making you weak. Said all, for whatever its worth, it’s not wise to suppress mind. A mind free from need to satisfy clouding emotions can do wonders in guiding intellect. I wish I knew this when I was fighting with my vulnerability in my initial period of work life while handling few of my tough assignments. Negative emotions are your path to be stronger because they arise when you are hit badly at your weaknesses. Once you understand that, you can always work on these weaknesses objectively. Nevertheless, for all the difficult situations, your intellect can still decide rational response based on discrimination, analysis and fair judgment. And that’s why you should put intellect on a driving seat instead of mind.
Emotions are often demanding but add richness and meaning to life. Once in a while, in the full knowledge of your actions, it’s fair to fall for their demands without reservations. Little insanity always spices up life. It’s okay to freak out in malls on whole weekends; though you don’t have anything to shop but so much to see (Hail bachelors!). Or to get lost in that piece of heavenly music you adore, forgetting everything else. Or to buy an ipod you loved though wallet says there is gonna be a drought. Even highly intellectual and successful people are surprisingly warm and even childlike (not childish) in their enthusiasm towards living life to the full. Finally, emotions are not good or bad. It’s the way you allow them to feel their need is the key in deciding their usefulness.
A modern adult is contended, free from pretensions of inferiority or superiority. He meets situations head-on without offending people, understanding feelings and limitations realistically. He is secure; neither seeks power over others nor is threatened by it. He appreciates others’ success and is patient for his rewards. He listens to people but draws his own conclusions. He doesn’t suppress spontaneity, fear change or repeat mistakes. He is independent of anything that weakens him.
He is ready to exploit his full potential and yet to live life…fully!
-OJ
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